JOB HUNTING? IT'S A SCHNAP -THE HOW-TO GURU

HAD I KNOWN ABOUT DR Mel Schnapper ten years ago, I never would have become a  writer, a  career path that can only be described as eerie. But then, if we'd all heard of Dr. Schnapper, we wouldn't need the Winning at Job Hunting video because we’d all have positive outlooks and killer resumes, and life would be one great, happy networking  party where hundreds - nay, thousands- of business cards are exchanged.
 
For instance, had I known Mel, I never would have put a category called "Favorite Crustacean" on my resume, nor would I have mentioned as a career objective my desire to go to Austria and rescue Maria Von Trapp. The Schnapper would frown on such doodlings. As he states in his video, in a direct tone that’s unobscured by such theatrics as inflection or dramatic emphasis, the resume is a very powerful sales document and thus should be accomplishment-and-result-oriented.

Similarly, I now realize that the time I brought doughnuts to a job interview and ate most of them myself(so who knew that the guy asking the questions would be a freaking health nut?) does not meet the Schnapper criterion of "making every question and answer a benefit to the employer." Had I known this, I would have mentioned that eating doughnuts keeps me from falling asleep under my desk at 3 PM. Needless to say, I wasn’t hired.

Who go my dream job? Probably ExecuTim and ExecuTina, the smartly- but not over-poweringly- dressed couple who, I imagine, didn’t flinch when Mel fixed a dull gaze upon them and droned, "See, I ‘m going to give you a frontal lobotomy right now, to reorient yourself form benefit-to-self to benefit-to-customer." Lobotomized, they conquer and succeed, while I continue to pore helplessly over the want ads and curse my vanishing marketability.